Even More Groan-a-day Jokes

1. Cavemen stored their weapons in a clubhouse.

2. I want to propose to my girlfriend over the phone. I'll give her a ring.

3. As the wind turbine said: “ I’m a big fan of renewable energy.”

4. I have a friend who is English but half Indian. Ian.

5. The terrorist tried to blow up a bus. He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

6. The Sun is like bread. It rises in the yeast.

7. Fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for. They’re all mediums.

8. The student was poor at spelling and English expression so when he tried to express his reluctance to repeating the grade, words failed him.

9. Some people say that I am addicted to summersaults but that’s just the way I roll.

10. Make hay while the Sun shines out of the grass that grows around other people’s feet.

11. Why is it that as soon as you can afford the new technology a newer technology comes along that you can’t afford.

12. I was walking home from the station and a gangster demanded my wallet. As I was running away with the gangster chasing I thought; “Wow! This bloke is giving me a good run for my money.”

13. My son called out: “Hey Dad! That hole I dug in the back yard has filled with water.” I think he meant well.

14. Our local club has a special offer: “All you can drink for under $20.” Tonight I’m going to party like it’s $19.99.

15. My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal. I only found her appealing because she had a well-paid job.

16. My house was repossessed but I don’t blame the bank. The priest didn’t do the exorcism properly.

17. The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.

18. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

19. Back in the days when the news was written on clay tablets there was a lot of breaking news.

20. My archery partner stuck his arrow into the ground. I couldn’t see the point.

21. Customer: “I want to buy a battery so I can tell the time.”
      Salesman: “Is it for a clock?”
      Customer: “I don’t know whether its four o’clock or three o’clock, that’s why I want a battery.”

22. I phoned lifeline and told them that I had this strong urge to throw myself under a train. They told me to stay on the line.

23. I recently quit my job as a butler in a stately home. I refused to be ordered around in that manor.

24. I tell women that I’m responsible for a large team of web designers. It sounds better than saying that I live in a garage that’s infested with spiders.

25. I save my small change in a large vase. A penny saved is a penny urned.

26. If you eat a blackberry do you get a blue tooth?

27. I do addition in my head. It’s the thought that counts.

28. I was trying to make up eleven jokes about Wimbledon but I think tennis enough.

29. My daughter wanted me to make her a ballerina dress. I didn’t know where to start but eventually put tu and tu together.

30. I am trying to buy a house with a lengthy corridor. My wife thinks it’s a passing fad but I’m in it for the long hall.

31. Someone broke into an origami exhibition and vandalised all of the exhibits. Police are trying to work out how events unfolded.

32. In the dark I fell down a deep hole with water at the bottom. I couldn’t see that well.

33. Teacher: “Johnny, name two pronouns.”
      Johnny: “Who, me?”

34. Some people are built upside-down. Their nose runs and their feet smell.

35. Drilling for oil is a boring job.

36. I would include a chemistry joke but I know that there would be no reaction.

37. I put the flowers near the wrong tombstone. It was a grave mistake.

38. I applied for a job as ranger in a national park. I think I have the right koalafications.

39. He was arrested for stealing hay and was refused bale.

40. I felt rather smug when the iPad came out. I had been saying for months that the iPhone will be really big one day.

41. As one chocolate said to the other: “Curses! Foiled again.”

42. I was watching a movie where the cook poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book. Its baste on a true story.

43. As the caterpillar said when looking at the butterfly: “You’ll never get me up in one of those things.”

44. I’m thinking of buying a greyhound. I don’t know how the wife will take it so I will have to run it by her first.

45. My son has a never say die attitude. I keep telling him that dice is plural and shouldn’t be used for just one.

46. I was going to buy a book on phobias but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

47. Cashiers are always checking me out.

48. I’m planning to become a stockman. It’s easy, I herd.

49. If someone asks you to spell “part A” backwards, don’t do it. It’s a trap.

50. The cobbler was the person who sold new shoes and resoled old ones.

51. I’ve been sending my mother a card every Mothers’ Day for fifty years. If she stays alive for another two years she will have a full deck.

52. Scientists agree that the way to combat global warming is to switch to solar power. Mind you, that’s not going to happen overnight.

53. I saw an NRMA patrolman stopped at a red light in his van and crying. I thought “That man is heading for a breakdown.”

54. I haven’t used my e-book reader for a while. Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

55. A new Elvis Pressley themed steakhouse has opened in our suburb. It’s for those who love meat tender.

56. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

57. I hate being a brunette. It’s just not fair.

58. I was sent on an anger management course. Apparently it’s all the rage.

59. Big noses run in my family.

60. The leader of our orchestra died when he was struck by lightning. It’s a great pity because he was an excellent conductor.

61. I got into a lift and a bloke wanted to bet me $10 that I couldn’t operate it. I took him up on it.

62. If you have any gloves you don’t want I’ll take them off your hands.

63. I remember getting nits as a kid. I have a lousy memory.

64. My friend and I used to spend all of our time together in a tree house. Then we fell out.

65. I was walking through the mall yesterday when I saw a sign “Watch Repairs”. It doesn’t sound very interesting; most people would rather watch a movie.

66. I want to open a felt pen factory. Does anyone have any tips?

67. Some people have a bucket list. I’m making a list of all the things I ought to do before I die. It’s my oughtobiography.

68. I refused to eat my rabbit stew because there was a hare in it.

69. I’m working at the museum, moving suits of armour around for a new display. It’s heavy work. I hate the knight shift.

70. A builder threw a handful of cement in my face. I was rendered speechless.

71. They have changed the alphabet. You and I are together.

72. I applied for a job in a colliery but didn’t get it because I was inexperienced. Never mind!

73. There is a big difference between a wise man and a wise guy.

74. I won the walking race twice running.

75. Wednesday is the longest day in the week. Nine letters.

76. The man drowned in a bowl of muesli when he was pulled under by a strong current.

77. The man had a wooden car; wooden body, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden engine. Wooden go.

78. Camelot had a great knight life.

79. Ghost teacher to class: “Watch the board while I go through it again.”

80. Cop to lady knitting while driving: “Pull over driver.”
      Lady driver: “No! Cardigan.”

81. I travel a lot. I go to about half as many places as my luggage goes.

82. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not yelling and screaming like his passengers.

83. Jet lag is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.

84. The dress she wore was tighter than my skin; I can sit down in my skin.

85. The glass blower had the hiccups and got a pane in the stomach.

86. The cowboy wore paper trousers and was done for rustling.

87. The man opened a paper shop but it blew away.

88. To cure a headache, stick your head through a closed window and the pane will go away.

89. The teacher caught a couple of kids playing cards in class. He said that he would deal with them after the lesson.

90. Much worse than being with a fool is fooling with a bee.

91. The mushroom was invited to a lot of parties because he was a fun guy.

92. The jockey had his horse leading into the straight when he was hit by a bag of nuts, then a bottle of wine, then a Christmas pudding and then a packet of biscuits. He finished second but lodged a protest on the grounds that he was hampered.

93. Early history was called the dark ages because there were so many knights.

94. The sailors wouldn’t play cards because the captain was standing on the deck.

95. As one eye said to the other: “Between you and me, something smells.”

96. I considered cloning a new, more efficient brain but then realised that I was just getting a head of myself.

97. Patient: “Doctor. I keep seeing an insect spinning in front of my eyes.”
      Doctor: “Yes, there’s a bug going around.”

98. He sat staring at the carton of orange juice because the label said “concentrate”.

99. Can you cut the ocean in half with a sea saw?

100. The Chinese zoo ran out of bamboo and there was panda-monium.

101. The hyena swallowed an Oxo cube and made a laughing stock of himself.

102. Teacher: “Where were you born?”
        Student: “Australia.”
        Teacher: “Which part?”
        Student: “All of me.”

103. The cannibals at the wedding toasted the happy couple.

104. There was a siege at the Weather Bureau and police stormed the building.

105. The council foreman held up a shovel in each hand and told the new worker to take his pick.

106. Husband: “I walked home tonight instead of catching a bus and saved two dollars.”
        Wife: “You should have walked home instead of catching a taxi and saved twenty dollars.”

107. He threw a snowball to his dad but his dad didn’t catch his drift.

108. It’s no good arguing with dolphins when they are angry because you are just talking at cross porpoises.

109. The worker at the ceramic factory locked himself in the kiln one night and they fired him.

110. If the whole world is a stage, where do the audience sit?

111. The cost of living is killing me.

112. The magician’s specialty was sawing a woman in half. He doesn’t have any brothers but has several half-sisters.

113. As Noah said as he was loading the arc: “Now I herd everything.”

114. Henry Ford said that people could buy any colour T-model Ford as long as it was black. He was the first to produce a black car nation.

115. Things were not going well on the farm so the farmer’s son moved to the city and got a job as a shoe-shine boy. Now the farmer makes hay while the son shines.

116. Everyone thinks I’m a liar. That’s hard to believe.

117. I painted myself with gold paint as a novelty. The novelty soon wore off.

118. He smells like a fish, poor sole.

119. The wife had cut her hand rather badly when chopping vegetables and the husband suggested that she go to the doctor for stitches.
        Wife: “But it would save a lot of time and money if I sew up the wound with my sewing kit.”
        Husband: “Suture self.”

120. The most warlike nation is vaccination. It’s nearly always in arms.

121. My mate said that his dad used to use a bowl to cut his hair. I think that he’s pulling my leg because a bowl would never be sharp enough.

122. I love working with a deadline. It makes my job at the call centre really easy.

123. I get my kicks out of hugging kangaroos.

124. It’s nearly always dry when you drive through the desert. It’s unlikely terrain.

125. I sold some dog food on e-bay last week but the buyer complained that it was way past its use-by date and had gone rotten so he wanted a refund. I suppose he’ll give me bad feedback.

126. My boss told me that my job’s on the line. I think he was acknowledging that I am a train driver.

127. I met my girlfriend at a school fundraising event. It was fete.

128. I wouldn’t dream of being an insomniac.

129. The marquee was old and leaking so we replaced it. The new one looks much the same to a certain ex-tent.

130. I am changing my electricity supplier because I am not happy with my current provider.

131. The federal police have an extensive data base about dog attacks on humans. It is several terror bites.

132. If you lose a limb in a work-related accident, do you get severance pay?

133. After seeing on the internet about the problems with global warming, I no longer use my tumble clothes drier. I dry my clothes on line.

134. My mate asked me: “Who was that woman I seen you with yesterday?”
        I corrected his English: “I saw.”
        “OK” he said “Who was that eyesore I seen you with yesterday?”

135. Are seaside constructions judged by their piers?

136. I asked for a student loan yesterday and was rejected. Apparently you can’t borrow a student.

137. Man 1: “I rode through the city on a camel yesterday.”
        Man 2: “I bet you got some stares.”
        Man 1: “No. I just climbed on as best as I could.”

138. By the time you are 70 years old you have learnt everything. All you have to do is try to remember it.

139. St Peter: “How did you get up here?” New arrival: “Flu.”

140. There are three types of men; the handsome, the caring and the majority.

141. Teacher: “Which month has 28 days?”
        Johnny: “All of them.”

142. The movie had a happy ending. Everyone was happy when it was over.

143. Why do so many people start a speech with “I’m not really a speech maker.” And then spend the next half hour proving it?

144. As the taxi-driver said: It’s not really the work that I like so much, it’s the people I run into.”

145. Judge: “Can’t you settle this out of court?”
        Defendant: “That’s what we were doing, Your Honour, when we were arrested.”

146. Judge: “You are charged with stealing a petticoat.”
        Defendant: “It was my first slip.”

147. Fashion goes in one era and out the other.

148. Success is relative. The more the success, the more relatives.

149. He is the type of person that has plenty to be modest about.

150. The human body is an interesting thing. A pat on the back can result in a swollen head.

151. The dog went to the flea circus and stole the show.

152. Patient: “Doctor, I’m afraid I’m going to die.”
        Doctor: “Nonsense. That’s the last thing you’re going to do.”

153. He: “Didn’t that dance make you long for another?”
        She: “Yes, but he couldn’t come tonight.”

154. Phone call to teacher: “Johnny won’t be at school today because he is sick. This is my father speaking.”

155. It was a sneak preview of the movie. After 15 minutes everyone had sneaked out.

156. I just ate a hole cake or donut as some people call them.

157. I watched the fly slowly walk down my arm and thought: “You’re going out on a limb.”

158. The x-ray specialist married one of his patients. People wondered what he saw in her.

159. I bought a used matic drill. I couldn’t afford a new matic drill.

160. “I’d like the verdict changed from ‘guilty’ to ‘not guilty’ said the voice on the phone line.
        “I’m sorry, but this is a Telstra call centre.” was the reply.
        “Yes. And the phone book says if I dial this number I can reverse the charges.”

161. The river had a wall built across it with water cascading over the top. It was weired.

162. The pig stopped sunbathing because he was bacon in the heat.

163. At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a wreck tangle.

164. For the record; I don’t own a turntable.

165. I was really excited when my father said he had brought me an iPad from his overseas trip. Then he handed it to me and said: “They’re really great. You put them over your eyes to help you sleep.”

166. I bought an axe but it is not to be used for climbing. It’s an anti climb axe.

167. Right: opposite of left, correct, ethically good, an entitlement, 90 degrees, restore to upright.
        I know my rights.

168. My dad is an expert on horse racing. On Saturday mornings he can always tell you which horses are going to win and on Saturday evenings he can tell you why they didn’t.

169. Real estate agents support good deeds.

170. I asked the teacher the value of pi but his answer was never ending.

171. The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

172. Workers at the upholstery factory wanted a pay rise to cushion the high cost of living.

173. Atom bombs dropped on coral islands took atoll on them.

174. If you wear a blindfold at the rifle range you won’t know what you are missing.

175. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference.

176. The ghost was refused service at the restaurant because they didn’t have a license to serve spirits.

177. The two pianists were great friends. They were always in a chord.

178. When the iron was invented there was a press conference.

179. He was the manager of a wheat grinding factory but it was just run-of-the-mill.

180. Artificial knees and elbows were developed during a joint project.

181. Last week I was diagnosed with sleep apnoea. I’m just tired of it.

182. He bought a fibro house. It was asbestos he could afford.

183. Support your local scientist. Invest in chemical bonds.

184. Good health is just the slowest rate at which you can die.

185. Sign on door of cryonics unit: “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

186. If an oriental person becomes giddy, is he disoriented?

187. Is it OK to use AM radio in the afternoon?

188. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

189. After the winter thaw the town started a slush fund for next year.

190. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

191. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it into reverse?

192. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

193. Meteorologists have cold fronts.

194. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

195. After the peanut was a salted it was peppered with abuse.

196. Black holes are like some people we know; infinitely dense.

197. The rodent club has drafted their constitution but it has to be ratified.

198. The local bakery burned down last night. Their business is toast.

199. Military training will begin at birth. Babies will join the infantry.

200. A truck carrying fruit crashed on the Harbour Bridge. It created quite a jam.

201. Fred is not one for Indian food but is great at currying favours.

202. Road safety experts say that children should be belted while travelling to school.

203. Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth; then it becomes a soap opera.

204. I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt. Then it clicked.

205. Skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day; They’re very scent-imental.

206. Why are there 5 syllables in monosyllabic?

207. If gophers became extinct the hole ecosystem would finish.

208. A train station is where the train stops. The bus station is where the bus stops. I call my desk a work station.

209. An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire.

210. Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

211. My dog has a lot of potential. You just have to unleash it.

212. They are introducing marathon running for students because education pays off in the long run.

213. I couldn’t stand to be without my legs.

214. The prospector didn’t think his career would pan out.

215. He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.

216. The jewel thieves were hard to catch because they had a good ring leader.

217. He wore his special new jacket on the bushwalk. It was a real trail blazer.

218. People who take a lot of selfies are just trying to save face.

219. It was really crowded at the Jenny Craig studio but after a while the crowd thinned out.

220. The panda found his food confusing; he was bamboozled.

221. Do law firms soliciting clients offer a free trial?

222. Is a pod of musical whales called an orcastra?

223. Trees are releaved when spring comes around.

224. My wife likes to make pottery but to me it’s just kiln time.

225. Those who enjoy ironing find their pleasure in creases.

226. The name Pavlov rings a bell.

227. I’d love to go to Holland and wear clogs; wooden shoe?

228. Obesity is not an issue to be taken lightly.

229. Prince Charles is making a lot more public appearances to prepare him for his eventual role of king. It’s heir conditioning.

230. During a drought we go from one ex-stream to another.

231. People who refuse acupuncture just don’t get the point.

232. Is a musician who steals sheet music a clef-to-maniac?

233. The debate about unmanned aircraft just kept droning on.

234. You can trust glue salesmen because they stick to their word.

235. The bird-watcher was charged with storking.

236. When a well-known person is asked to take a back seat they often take affront.

237. I’m drawn to art.

238. No judge wants to be known as acquitter.

239. If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

240. After eating the duck the crocodile got a little down in the mouth.

241. He got his large circumference from too much pi.

242. When plums dry on your tree it’s time to prune.

243. Do students in the navy study on scholarships?

244. As one savoury biscuit said to another: “Shall we go for a dip?”

245. If a nun got a law degree would she be a sister-in-law?

246. The story about the three little pigs is a pig-tale.

247. The skeleton is what is left after the inside has been taken out and the outside has been taken off.

248. Is a group of men waiting for a haircut a barber queue?

249. I met a girl at an internet café but we didn’t click.

250. Put your money in the freezer so you will have some cold, hard cash.

251. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

252. If people in jail were allowed phones, would they be cell phones?

253. The ancient Romans only gathered once a week because that was enough forum.

254. I just saw a play about fly-fishing. The cast was amazing.

255. A fool and his money are soon partying.

256. I didn’t know why my glasses steamed up. I was mistified.

257. If kids cry on their visit to Santa are they Claus-trophobic?

258. That’s a dog tree. You can tell by the bark.

259. My rifle shoots sodium chloride pellets. It’s assault rifle.

260. My plans to write a report on sinkholes fell through.

261. Yesterday I swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says that I’m OK but I feel that I have dyed a little inside.

262. Lawyer to dentist: “Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

263. The ink drop was sad because his father was in the pen for a long sentence.

264. News Headline: “Disability Cheat Caught Skydiving”. I would have thought it would have been better to wait until he had landed.

265. The bloke with laryngitis was very unpopular down at the pub. He wouldn't shout.

266. My recliner and I go WAY back.

267. The world owes you a living but you have to do your own collecting.

268. The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

269. The cost of funerals has doubled because of the high cost of living.

270. Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

271. I have finished my essay on wind but it is only a draft.

272. Two seeing-eye dogs went on a blind date.

273. When Peter Pan punches they Neverland.

274. I have a blind date tonight with a girl who is 200cm tall. I can’t wait two metre.

275. My mate and I are not going to ride our bicycles to the pub because we can’t handlebars.

276. I’m angry and annoyed at the way people spoke after I left the party. They discussed me.

277. Female sheep post their videos on ewe tube.

278. Someone said: “Nothing rhymes with orange.”
         Rubbish! Nothing doesn’t rhyme with orange.

279. The inventor of the jug died yesterday. Tributes have been pouring in.

280. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.

281. Two desk lamps were social lights because they often went out together.

282. A grazier bought a cattle station for his two sons and insisted that they call it “Focus”. When asked why he said “Because that is where the sons raise meat.”

283. When a judge eats, His Honour is at steak.

284. Elevators let me tell jokes at every level.

285. It’s called a “litter” of puppies because they mess up the whole house.

286. Alcohol is an excellent solvent; it dissolves marriages, families and careers.

287. “And the Lord said to Moses, come forth.” But Moses fell over and only came fifth.

288. Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.

289. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

290. The workers were glad that there was a statue of the CEO at the front of the building. It let the pigeons speak for them all.

291. Elmer Fudd wanted to see Bugs Bunny between two cross hares.

292. I tried to finish the leftovers but ……….. foiled again.

293. He has the nickname Moses: Every time he opens his mouth the bull rushes.

294. I just bought a CD about railways. It has some nice tracks.

295. I heard that the health shop had run out of powdered protein. No whey!

296. Some people think that the way to emphasise a point in emails is to write in capitals. I don’t think that this is always the case.

297. Wife: “Why do you walk so fast that I can’t keep up?”
        Husband: “I’m sorry but I don’t follow you.”

298. The bricklayer was thinking: “Surely there must be mortar life.”

299. Historians have extra century perception.

300. I listed the tasks I wanted the handyman to do and numbered them 1 to 10. However he only performed tasks 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. It seems that he was only an odd jobs man.

301. He said that he heard a funny joke. It was funny when he heard it but not when he told it.

302. My father was very worried that the foundations that he laid for our house 50 years ago were unstable. He’s been dwelling on it ever since.

303. Ten years ago I applied for a job serving customers at tables in restaurants. I’m still waiting.

304. Everyone thinks I’m a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.

305. Scientists say that the world is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

306. The difference between in-laws and outlaws: Outlaws are wanted.

307. I eat from 3 main food groups; tinned, frozen and take-away.

308. Of all of the things that I have lost, my mind is the thing that I miss most.

310. Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?

311. Studying: Notice how they put “dying” at the end of the word.

312. I tried to trace my family tree but it wouldn’t lie down on the paper.

313. I had a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was furious.

314. It was so cold yesterday that I saw a politician with his hand in his own pocket.

315. Who would have thought that Velcro would catch on?

316. Never marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

317. The girl would only go out with coal miners. It was clearly a case of carbon dating.

318. Groucho was a Marxist.

319. Why do so many politicians sit on the fence and call it a platform?

320. The prime minister’s wife was seen entering The Lodge with a roll of fabric. It’s curtains for the prime minister.

321. Big women die young which is why we are left with little old ladies.

322. Life is a hereditary disease, and terminal.

323. If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition.

324. I met my girlfriend at a travel agency. She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

325. If Australia is a land of free speech, why are telephone bills so expensive?

326. Most health concerns about coffee are groundless.

327. A hospital is a place where people who are run down wind up.

328. As the girl oyster complained about her oyster boyfriend: “He never opens up to me.”

329. My friend was bitten by a funnel-web spider. If I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he would still be alive.

330. Birthdays are nice but too many can kill you.

331. Phone call to Telstra: “I want to report a nuisance call.”
        Telstra operator: “Not you again.”

332. Relationships are a bit like algebra. Have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?

333. Two Mexicans were playing Juan on Juan basketball.

334. A lot of people turn up their noses at cosmetic surgery.

335. Many a young woman is looking for an old man with a strong will, made out in her favour.

336. Café sign: “Eat here, Diet home.”

337. As one DNA molecule said to another DNA molecule: “Do these genes make me look fat?”

338. My car is so fast my payments are three months behind.

339. Poker is not the only game that starts with holding a hand and ends with a big financial loss.

340. Musicians play, doctors and lawyers practise, the rest of us work for a living.

341. When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets very crowded.

342. The reason that we call money “dough” is because we all knead it.

343. Phone call: “Is that the local swimming pool?”
        Swimming pool attendant: “Depends where you’re calling from.”

344. As the letter said to the stamp: “Stick with me and we’ll go places.”

345. My front door is made of sponge. Don’t knock it.

346. Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.

347. The best present is a broken drum. You can’t beat it.

348. Santa has 3 gardens so he can ho, ho, ho.

349. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

350. There is a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It’s called “On and on anon. “

351. Santa climbs down the chimney because it soots him.

352. The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits.

353. A man can wear his hair 3 ways: parted, unparted or departed.

354. The Sydney Opera House is off Quay.

355. A budget is a form of worrying before you spend instead of after.

356. Why don’t efficiency experts go into business for themselves and make a fortune?

357. Job applicant: “Do you have an opening for a bright, young person like me?”
        Employer: “Yes, and please don’t slam it on the way out.”

358. You’ll never lead a band if you can’t face the music.

359. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

360. A farrier is a person who shoes horses but what do you call a person who shoos flies?

361. The function was so high class that I was the only person I hadn’t heard of.

362. He is one of the effluent society, that is one of the stinking rich.

363. A tree surgeon has just opened a branch in our suburb.

364. These jokes are ideal to write on paper. They’re tearable.

365. At my funeral I want the celebrant to read out the funniest joke from this collection. This will be followed by a minute’s silence.

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