More Groan-a-day Jokes
1. The outstanding dentist was presented with a plaque.
2. My son’s teacher is very attractive but also very strict. She’s easy on the eyes but hard on the pupils.
3. No-one can make a fool out of you. It’s a do-it-yourself project.
4. A penny for your thoughts is way overpriced.
5. Marriage: To some people it’s a word, to others it’s a sentence.
6. Puns are bad but poetry is verse.
7. There is now a record number of male hairdressers in Australia. The country is descending into barberism.
8. My spell Czech is broken.
9. Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I bought.
10. Is a pig that has lost its voice disgruntled?
11. King Midas had a gilt complex.
12. The boss says that I have great motivational skills. Everyone has to work twice as hard when I’m there.
13. Would a person using a torch when the batteries go flat be delighted?
14. For every person who wants to teach there are 30 kids who don’t want to learn.
15. They say that 50 is the new 40 but try telling that to a speed camera.
16. I used to work at the unemployment office. It was lousy when they fired me because I still had to turn up the next day.
17. Crime doesn’t pay. Does that mean my job is a crime?
18. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.
19. I was about to take a job as an enumerator for the government. I’m glad I came to my census.
20. My Shetland pony has a sore throat. He’s a little hoarse but in a stable condition.
21. I have the memory of an elephant. One day I went to the zoo and saw an elephant and I remember it.
22. A committee of three gets things done if two don’t show up.
23. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
24. Painters are easelly inspired.
25. Whenever I go to a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.
26. They couldn’t find the artist so they hung the picture.
27. Husband: A bloke who has photos where his money used to be.
28. Noah kept his bees in the archives.
29. I will never call Elton John by his full title. No Sir E.
30. I take health warnings about sodium intake with a grain of salt.
31. Church singers: they’re a choired taste.
32. Ginger Meggs is said to be in poor health. His face looks drawn.
33. I call my car “Flattery”. It gets me nowhere.
34. Fishermen are reel men.
35. I was talking to a logger in the pub. He seemed like a decent feller.
36. Don’t criticise nudists. They were born that way.
37. A happily married man is one who understands every word his wife didn’t say.
38. I looked up my family tree and found that I was the sap.
39. Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get when you don’t read it.
40. They have two checkouts open at my supermarket except when they are busy. Then they have one.
41. People ask me how I got a job as a book editor. Well, to cut a long story short ………
42. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
43. A successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.
44. The fisherman hated fish-and-chips but he didn’t tell a sole.
45. On Valentine’s Day flower prices rose to the occasion.
46. I couldn’t stand to be without my legs.
47. The mechanic at the transmission shop seemed a little shifty.
48. In winter my dog wears his coat but in summer he wears his coat and pants.
49. Was the Carpenters’ Union started by a splinter group?
50. When the merry-go-round was invented it was a big turning point for the amusement industry.
51. A gunman entered a store and turned it into a flee market.
52. I considered becoming a monk but I was cloisterphobic.
53. You have to be taut to learn rope tricks.
54. A sparrow can’t hold much in its beak but a pelican.
55. The stage production about fishing had quite a cast.
56. Those who don’t want to be counted in the population have taken leave of their census.
57. The amusement park had one of its rides break down and called in a spin doctor.
58. The prisoner’s wife and daughter walked in to greet him and give him a cake; single file.
59. Sign language is very handy.
60. Bring me a rubber band and make it snappy.
61. Success is relative. The more the success the more relatives.
62. I’ve been married to my wife for 37 years and couldn’t ask for a better woman. If I did she’d kill me.
63. Prince William spent some time in the armed forces. He particularly didn’t like the command “Fire at will.”
64. One of these new shoes isn’t right.
65. Wife to roadworker: “I’ve baked two cakes for you, take your pick.”
66. The thinking of weather forecasters is sometimes clouded.
67. The restaurant tends to overcook steaks so I only order them rarely.
68. Two pencils had a race. The outcome was a draw.
69. If you get a present from a psychiatrist it will probably be shrink wrapped.
70. One horse to another: I don’t remember the mane but the pace is familiar.
71. A pharmacist and a customer had a pill-owe fight.
72. Burglars are looking for windows of opportunity.
73. Masks have no face value.
74. He told me he got rich by hard work. I asked him “Whose?”
75. I once had a job with over a thousand people under me. I was a gardener at the cemetery.
76. The duration of a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.
77. It’s not the minutes that you spend at the table that make you put on weight. It’s the seconds.
78. A miser is a hard person to live with but makes a great ancestor.
79. Would taking a job in Seoul be a good Korea move?
80. Being able to predict the future is not what I thought it would be.
81. I’d enjoy the day more if it started later.
82. If at first you don’t succeed, look in the bin for the instructions.
83. There was a fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.
84. Copper Nitrate: Overtime pay for policemen.
85. The sickness after celebrating is often an ale-ment.
86. Prison walls are not built to scale.
87. The mime wanted to say something but he wasn’t aloud.
88. If a priest is a white-collar worker then a nun would be a creature of habit.
89. Bigamy: Where two rites make a wrong.
90. My son is learning to drive. He’s taking a crash course.
91. A successful diet is a case of mind over platter.
92. The fingers were in favour but the thumb was opposed.
93. Becoming a vegetarian is a missed steak.
94. He really enjoyed his trip to Ireland. He was walking on Eire.
95. Fishing: A jerk on one end of a line waiting for a jerk on the other.
96. I’m inclined to be laid-back.
97. When I’m feeling tired I use my smart phone to download a nap.
98. A museum recently opened to honour female soldiers. It was a WAC’s museum.
99. A pyro technician knows how fireworks.
100. Don’t trust people who do acupuncture. They’re backstabbers.
101. Unborn twins are womb mates.
102. The crime at the parking station was wrong on so many levels.
103. When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.
104. When someone sat on the grape it didn’t say anything. It just let out a little whine.
105. My mate went out with a girl called Simile. He says it is not serious and he just metaphor coffee.
106. When people hear me sing they say I should sing tenor twelve kilometres away.
107. He was running a flea circus until a dog came and stole the show.
108. She was engaged to a bloke with a wooden leg but broke it off.
109. I don’t trust the stairs because they are always up to something.
110. I know a girl who carries a Taser. Wow, is she stunning.
111. Small babies are delivered by the stork but heavier babies need a crane.
112. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
113. The skipper of the Sydney-to-Hobart yacht was a sails manager.
114. If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
115. If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
116. I went to the bank and asked the banker to check my balance so he pushed me.
117. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it should be.
118. The circus performer dived from the high-dive tower into a tub of lemonade. He didn’t hurt himself because it was soft drink.
119. I went to the costume party dressed as a male pig and everyone agreed that I was a bore.
120. I just bought four suits for a dollar. It’s a great deck of cards.
121. Fish are easy to weigh because they have their own scales.
122. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a cricket bat.
123. An English teacher asked her adult class to punctuate “woman without her man is nothing”
The men wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
124. Diner at Restaurant: “Waiter! I have a bee in my soup.”
Waiter: “Of course sir. It’s alphabet soup.”
125. Do you fix a broken tuba with a tuba glue?
126. Charles Dickens walked into a bar and asked for a martini. The barman replied “Olive or twist?”
127. When buildings have been completed shouldn’t they be called builts?
128. When the boat was sinking the sailor grabbed a bar of soap so he could wash himself ashore.
129. She was the apple of his eye and he liked to sit be cider.
130. I wanted to buy a camouflage shirt but I couldn’t find one.
131. Her company distributes gift-boxed cashews and the delivery guy drives her nuts.
132. I met a girl at the internet café but we didn’t click.
133. Married men have better halves but bachelors have better quarters.
134. When plums dry on your tree it’s time to prune.
135. I had a hand in the puppet show.
137. After the shepherd retired he felt ewesless.
138. When the nomadic tree senses danger it packs up its trunk and leaves.
139. A girl I know makes her own perfume. She is self-scented.
140. One palm tree said to another palm tree “Let’s have a date.”
141. Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Corsican!
142. I constantly asked the track coach to include me in the team but he continued to give me the run-around.
143. Waiters are good at multiplication because they know their tables.
144. The gymnasium instructor quit his job because it wasn’t working out.
145. An auctioneer often looks forbidding.
146. The hawk sat on top of the church because it was a bird of pray.
147. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
148. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
149. He was arrested for throwing bombs from boats but they dropped the charges.
150. Women ask more questions than men because they have the “why” chromosome.
151. I didn’t like people calling me a bare-faced liar so I grew a beard.
152. It is better to have loved a short girl than to never have loved a tall.
153. A jury is something that doesn’t work properly once it has been fixed.
154. He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
155. He: “May I have the last dance.” She: “You’ve just has it.”
156. Image: Spending money we don’t have to buy things we don’t need to impress people we don’t like.
157. The upper crust is just a lot of crumbs sticking together.
158. There’s not much talk at social gatherings until someone leaves.
159. In some committees half the members are hangers-on while the other half do all of the work, but in our committee it is just the opposite.
160. The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground just only a few minutes before.
161. The smoothest thing about a used car is the salesman.
162. He is a great judge of wine and a merciless executioner.
163. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
164. The bride was walking down the aisle towards the altar listening to the hymn and that’s what she was thinking: aisle, altar, hymn.
165. Divorces are arranged so that lawyers can live happily ever after.
166. My wife and I have religious differences. She worships money and I don’t have any.
167. If ignorance is bliss why do we have school exams?
168. Snow White moved out of the seven dwarfs’ house because she couldn’t stand the small talk.
169. On e-Bay: Parachute, used once, never opened.
170. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
171. Tax Department: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
172. Youth and skill is no match for old age and treachery.
173. I let my mind wander and it didn’t come back.
174. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often.
175. Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out.
176. Why would you be a bankruptcy lawyer? How would your clients pay you?
177. You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.
178. A thesaurus is a book where we find big words to use instead of the ones people understand.
179. Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
180. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
181. As one DNA molecule said to another: “Do these genes make me look fat?”
182. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
183. Girls who don’t get asked out as often as their friends often feel out-dated.
184. An astronaut broke the law of gravity and got a suspended sentence.
185. The sales assistant at the mall lost his job so he opened a market stall to vend for himself.
186. The do-it-yourself book “Do Your Own Electrical Repairs” turned out to be a shocking failure.
187. He was sure he could master Braille once he got the feel for it.
188. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
189. He: “Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?” She: “Yes! February 14th.”
190. I‘m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my ex …… box 360.
191. He crossed a four-leaf clover with poison ivy and got a rash of good luck.
192. Democracy is two foxes and a chicken voting on what is for lunch.
193. In an atomic war, all men are cremated equal.
194. Politics: poly = many, tics = blood-sucking parasites.
195. Do witches run spell check?
196. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
197. Friction is a drag.
198. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
199. When people text me for something and they write “Plz” because it is shorter than “Please”. I reply “No” because it’s shorter than “Yes”.
200. I often experiment with recipes by adding German white wine. This is nothing formal, just an add hock approach.
201. I could not help but notice that ugly begins with u and awesome ends with me.
202. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
203. When she married she got a new name and a dress.
204. A pessimist’s blood type is b-negative.
205. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
206. When two egotists meet its an I for an I.
207. A lot of money is tainted. It ‘taint yours and it ‘taint mine.
208. He was court-martialled from the army because he was rotten to the corps.
209. The thief fell into the wet concrete and became a hardened criminal.
210. The professor found that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
211. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
212. She criticised my apartment so I knocked her flat.
213. My kids call me a mental traveller. My mind wanders.
214. I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
215. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
216. If people from Poland are called “Poles” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes”?
217. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went; then it dawned on me.
218. Parents find it very hard to raise a child; especially in the morning.
219. Children are a wonderful comfort in old age; and how soon they bring it on.
220. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
221. Husband: I choose my clothes and my wife picks the pockets.
222. Motto: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
223. Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately it kills all of its pupils.
224. Half of all Australians can’t do maths and the other two thirds don’t care.
225. I would gladly swap my caller I.D. for caller I.Q.
226. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day.
227. If you throw a cat out of a car window, is that kitty litter?
228. I draw the line at telling jokes about graphic designers.
229. The Egyptian financial market is riddled with pyramid schemes.
230. Earth without art is just “Eh”.
231. I bought a paper aeroplane from Ikea. The box contained a single sheet of A4 paper.
232. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence but their water bill is higher.
233. People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
234. If you are what you eat then I’m dead meat.
235. I come from a long line of actors. It’s called a dole queue.
235. Being able to predict the future is not what I thought it would be.
236. The Lawn Tennis Association website has a fault and is having trouble with the server.
237. I used to be a gold prospector but it didn’t pan out.
238. I just sacked my limousine driver. Silly really, because I have nothing to chauffer it.
239. Maths puns are the first sine of madness.
240. A karate school restaurant serves nothing but chops.
241. When there was an explosion in the dormitory there were a lot of roomers flying around.
242. Eating oysters can improve your mussel tone.
243. The leopard was good at guessing. He was spot on.
244. We are out of light bulbs. Our home faces a dim outlook.
245. I decided not to go to Pisa but I was leaning towards it.
246. The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
247. She quit her job at the donut shop because she was sick of the hole business.
248. When Peter Pan punches they Neverland.
249. The person who invented the door knocker won the no-bell prize.
250. Millie jammed three fingers in a door but on the other hand she is completely fine.
251. What’s ET short for? Because he only has little legs.
252. I needed a password 8 characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
253. I had an argument with one of the dwarfs. He was not Happy.
254. My sister has lovely long hair halfway down her back. It’s a pity it’s not on her head.
255. Teacher: “You can’t bring that lamb into class, Mary. Think of the smell.”
Mary: “That’s alright Miss. She’ll soon get used to it.”
256. Never fall asleep on trains because trains run over sleepers.
257. Many a meeting starts at 7 o’clock sharp and ends at 10 o’clock dull.
258. Mincing your words makes them easier to digest if you have to eat them later.
259. He cut the tree down and then he cut it up.
260. I was going to look for my lost watch but I could never find the time.
261. My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
262. The magician got so mad that he pulled his hare out.
263. I wanted to buy a camouflage jacket but I couldn’t find one.
264. So you want to clone yourself. Now isn’t that just like you.
265. If towels could tell jokes they would have a dry sense of humour.
266. Just thinking about my root canal procedure was unnerving.
267. There was a big paddle sale at the boat showroom. It was quite an oar deal.
268. It is hard to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
269. With the high cost of living these days you have to work like a dog just to be able to live like one.
270. He got nine out of ten in his driving test. One bloke managed to jump out of the way.
271. He turned up with a beautiful girl on each arm. Surprising really because he said that he would never get a tattoo.
272. Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other “How do you drive this thing?”
273. He had stolen some swimming pool inflatables and had to Li-Lo.
274. My old job was taken by a Pole. I used to hold up traffic signs.
275. Customer in butcher’s shop: “Six chops please, and make them lean.”
Butcher: “Left or right?”
276. I rang the vet to complain about his exorbitant prices. He put the phone down as humanely as possible.
277. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said “Cough.”
278. Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.
279. I take all of these warnings about sodium intake with a grain of salt.
280. During the war my Nan was an army midwife. She was in C-section.
281. Historical fact: The body tan became popular during the Bronze Age.
282. Lenin’s tomb is a communist plot.
283. I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
284. Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual trip around the sun.
285. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
286. The world’s first stock broker was Noah. He floated his stock while the world was in liquidation.
287. Money is called dough because we all knead it.
288. The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits.
289. My mind is like concrete; thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
290. Lending people money gives them amnesia.
291. When a door is open its ajar but when a jar is open its not adoor.
292. "My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it is missing, and what's there stinks."
293. The sign said “24 Hour Banking”. With service that slow I didn’t think they would admit it.
294. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
295. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
296. You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
297. I want to become a plumber but that’s only a pipe-dream.
298. The deaf farmer rounded up his flock and herd.
299. The man was hunting deer because he owed his friend a few bucks.
300. A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. “A beer for me please and one for the road.”
301. I would like to open a factory making mirrors. I could see myself doing that.
302. I don’t trust people with graph paper. They’re always plotting something.
303. I remember when Australia had copper coins. I’m just being centimental.
304. Did Captain Hook get his hook from the second hand store?
305. Microsoft has broken Volkswagen’s record. Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs.
306. I used to work in a shoe recycling factory. It was sole destroying.
307. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.
308. Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.
309. The difference between a barber and a hairdresser: Around $20 a cut.
310. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
311. Why didn’t Noah kill those two mosquitos when he had the chance?
312. Algebra was easy for the Romans because "x" was always 10.
313. An Apple a day keeps the doctor away but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
314. An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.
315. To copy from one is plagiarism. To copy from many is research.
316. Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
317. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
318. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
319. People are like tea bags. They never realize their strength until they are put in hot water.
320. I am not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.
321. I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
322. He spends his time painting portraits of elderly schoolteachers. Old masters, you know!
323. He lost most of the left side of his body in an accident. He’s all right now.
324. The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
325. I made a pot of fish-eye soup this morning. It should see me through the week.
326. I’m addicted to soccer and trying to kick the habit.
327. She was accused of stealing a brooch but they couldn’t pin it on her.
328. The archaeologist made no bones about digging up dirt on people.
329. Here lies the body of Bill Bloggs. He never told the truth when living and now lies still.
330. I’m not a big fan of archery, it has too many drawbacks.
331. To lose slack from a rope, one must be taut.
332. I avoid going to funerals because I am not a mourning person.
333. A pun at maturity is fully groan.
334. No matter how much you push the envelope it is still stationery.
335. I used to work at an origami school but it folded.
336. A man was jailed for selling fake washing powder. They are trying to deter gents like him.
337. I went to an Italian restaurant and they had spaghetti on the menu. I called the waiter and asked him to wipe it off.
338. I remember when I first learnt to count. It was odd at first, even then.
339. I have to make a pencil drawing of Shakespeare for my art exam. 2B or not 2B?
340. My girlfriend said she was breaking up with me because of my poor vocabulary. I was lost for words.
341. I did my trigonometry assignment in the sun and got a tan.
342. The politician was asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He gave three different answers.
343. Young daughter: “Do all fairy tales start with ‘Once upon a time”?’
Mother: “No. Some start with ‘If elected I will ….”’
344. It pains me to say it but I have a sore throat.
345. Having false teeth will denture confidence.
346. To save time I jump queues. It reduces my wait.
347. Beware of someone who pats you on the back. You can be sure they want you to cough up something.
348. My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with Africa. Kenya believe that.
349. Plagiarism can get you into trouble for something you didn’t do.
350. I don’t worry about germs on my money. No microbe could live on my salary.
351. I was shopping online and saw a horse that I liked so I clicked “Add to cart”.
352. There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.
353. My son got a lip piercing behind my back yesterday. I was angry. It was a stupid place for him to stand while I’m casting my fishing line.
354. I should have known that I wouldn’t last as a deep-sea diving instructor. I’m no good under pressure.
355. I hate people who don’t keep their mirrors clean. It reflects badly on them.
356. I’ve just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.
357. I’m going to paint the ceiling so I took out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
358. To get out of Iraq, Iran.
359. A sandwich walked into a bar. The bartender said “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food”.
360. I really rely on my satnav. I don’t know where I’d be without it.
361. Never test the depth of water with both feet.
362. A bright light globe or a dim light globe. Watts the difference?
363. My husband ate a dozen kinder eggs. He’s full of surprises.
364. My friend said that he wanted to improve his golf. I told him he should go on a course.
365. I sent 10 of the best puns from this collection in to a competition hoping one of them would win a prize for being funny. No pun in ten did.
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