Teacher Humour

About the only thing worse than a dad-joke is a teacher-joke.
Teachers are famous (or infamous) for their terrible sense of humour; and it's not new.
Take the following extract from the Oliver Goldsmith Poem "The Village Schoolmaster" written in the mid 1700s:

"I knew him well, and every truant knew;
Well had the boding tremblers learn'd to trace
The days disasters in his morning face;
Full well they laugh'd with counterfeited glee,
At all his jokes, for many a joke had he:
Full well the busy whisper, circling round,
Convey'd the dismal tidings when he frown'd:
Yet he was kind; or if severe in aught,
The love he bore to learning was in fault.

Despite their protests, students tend to like teacher-jokes. They complain bitterly as they repeat the jokes to their friends and then unite for a collective groan.
However, teachers are teachers and not comedians so the jokes should not interrupt the lesson. Jokes should be short, hence these are mostly one-liners and they should be non-offensive so this list doesn't contain any rude jokes.
Store these pearls of wisdom in the back of your mind and when the opportunity arises, throw one in and listen to the groans.

Groan-a-day Jokes

1. The skeleton didn’t go to the dance because he didn’t have any body to go with.

2. Teachers like to fold the school reports. That way students find their mark in creases.

3. The best present for a bald man is a comb. He will never part with it.

4. I tried to write with a broken pencil. It was pointless.

5. Fish shop owners are mean. Their business makes them sell fish.

6. I spent the afternoon crushing fizzy drink cans. It was soda pressing.

7. I’ve just come back from my mate’s funeral. He died when he was hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

8. I saw this lovely girl at the vegetarian club. I’ve seen herbivore.

9. Marxists drink herbal tea because they regard proper tea as theft.

10. Conjunctavitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

11. The Israeli prime minister has bought the IT companies Netscape and Yahoo to keep him busy in retirement. He wants to merge the two companies to form “Net and Yahoo”.

12. I can’t survive on what the boss pays me. I’m allergic to peanuts.

13. To keep slim, book ahead. It reduces your wait.

14. I left my job because of illness and fatigue. People were sick and tired of me.

15. I have a fear of two-letter words. I get scared just thinking about it.

16. Garbage collection is an easy job. No training; just pick it up as you go along.

17. If you have a bladder infection then you know urine trouble.

18. He has trouble separating fact from fiction. He is the school librarian.

19. For years Lance Armstrong denied taking drugs. However he has always admitted to pedalling.

20. I have a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution.

21. He: “I love you.”
   She: “Do you love me enough to die for me?”
   He: “No. I have an undying love for you.”

22. A man entered a dance wearing jumper leads to keep his trousers up. The bloke at the door said “You can come in but don’t start anything.”

23. Two silkworms had a race. It ended in a tie.

24. Nervous parachutist: “Do parachutists get killed very often?”
      Parachute Instructor: “No, just once.”

25. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

26. A white-ant entered a hotel and asked “Where’s the bar tender?”

27. The school is sponsored by Ikea. The lessons are OK but the assembly takes hours.

28. I just got an email from someone who says he knows Google maps backwards. I think its spam.

29. I was going to go to the pet shop to get a pet spider but I think I can get one cheaper on the web.

30. Someone broke into the school and installed a huge mirror in the school hall. The principal says that this is a reflection on all of the students and she is going to look into it.

31. The court had to decide whether the briefcase that he bought was genuine leather or imitation leather. The judge’s decision was vinyl.

32. The Grim Reaper came for me but I fought him off with my vacuum cleaner.

I was Dyson with death. 33. The math lesson was a disaster. You should have seen the aftermath.

34. The lonely pyromaniac was still looking for his perfect match.

35. Newton was hit on the head with an apple and came up with Newton’s Law. Old King Cole was hit on the head with shredded cabbage and came up with Cole’s Law.

36. A great present to give people is a fridge. You should see their face light up when they open it.

37. There are two things I don’t like about that politician. His face.

38. I told the police officer that I was only following the instructions on my wife’s note: “Drop pants at dry cleaners”.

39. He asked the librarian for a play by Shakespeare.
    “Which one?” she asked.
    “William” he replied.

40. The bird lawyer was applying for bail on behalf of his client, an emu.
     “I can guarantee, Your Honour, that the defendant is not a flight risk.”

41. The dermatologist built his business up from scratch.

42. Last night my girlfriend and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

43. To organise an astronomy party you have to planet.

44. To err is human but to really mess something up needs a computer.

45. As the empty beer bottle said to the full beer bottle: “I was drunk last night.”

46. A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons. Police held him for a while and then let him go.

47. The workaholic was in trouble with the police for resisting a rest.

48. Is an alligator wearing a vest called an investigator?

49. During wet weather my cat scratches all of the furniture. When it rains it paws.

50. I am able to see 5 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

51. If time is money then is an ATM a time machine?

52. If you’ve seen one shopping complex you’ve seen a mall.

53. I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soft drink. It was a Fanta sea.

54. If you have a small amount of Polish in your ancestry does that make you a tad Pole?

55. Leo the lion has just been voted the best sign of the Zodiac after a long battle with Cancer.

56. Two peanuts were walking across a park. One was a salted.

57. The council clean-up took all of my flat batteries; no charge.

58. An atom was complaining that it had lost an electron.
    “Are you sure?” asked the scientist.
    “I’m positive” replied the atom.

59. The ostrich is the biggest bird alive. It is also the biggest bird dead.

60. I got into trouble at the National Park for lining up all of the possums in order of height. They didn’t like me critter sizing.

61. I have the strong urge to order a large white bear from the Arctic region. My doctor thinks that I may have buy Polar disorder.

62. The chemist has just sent a large order of round Band-Aids to the timber mill. They are for circular sores.

63. Darth Vader had a corrupt brother: Taxi Vader.

64. I’ve just won our local iron man competition; 10 shirts in 7½ minutes.

65. The ocean didn’t say anything to the beach: it just waved.

66. He got water on the brain from a tap on the head.

67. Diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.

68. On e-bay: “Replica fishing knife, made to scale.”

69. He saw the Apple store being robbed. Police have described him as an iWitness.

70. My mate told me that he threw a stick a kilometre and his dog chased it and brought it back. Sounds a bit far fetched.

71. A bloke came up from the beach to find that his car had a flat tyre. “Just what I wanted.” he said. “A flat at Bondi.”

72. A woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in 5 minutes” are exactly the same duration.

73. My girlfriend’s name is Penny. She’s a copper.

74. If you dream about female horses are you having night mares?

75. Why a man would want to marry a woman is a mystery.
     Why a man would want to marry two women is a bigamistery.

76. At the amusement park the man who ran the Ferris wheel had an eye for the woman who ran the merry-go-round. Alas, their love was never to be. They moved in different circles.

77. I never drink coffee at work. It makes me toss and turn at my desk all day.

78. The sign near the school said “Watch for Children” but it didn’t say where kids should go to collect their watch.

79. Obsolescence is a thing of the past.

80. Guns don’t worry me. It’s just the bullets.

81. How to fall 10 floors without being killed or injured: Jump from the 11th floor.

82. Who else but a bank would chain down pens that don’t write?

83. I told a joke to a dwarf. It went right over his head.

84. Those who throw mud lose ground.

85. Having one for the road could mean having a police car as a chaser.

86. A committee is a group of people that keep minutes and waste hours.

87. It was by no accident that he had the best insurance rating. 88. The law of hereditary says that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

89. Why is it that a father can spend a fortune on his daughter’s wedding and listen to the guests say that he gave the bride away?

90. The clockmaker died and it took years to wind up his estate.

91. We are having an African hair day at school tomorrow. I’m dreading it.

92. When it comes to giving money to charity some people will stop at nothing.

93. I thought the sea creature was my friend but he was anemone.

94. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

95. The grazier said to the jackeroo “There are 997 cattle and I want you to round them up.”
     “OK” said the jackeroo “There are 1000.”

96. The photon was booking into a hotel.
     “Where’s your luggage?” asked the desk clerk.
     “I’m travelling light” replied the photon.

97. I was so disappointed. After travelling all that way to see the Great Wall of China, it wasn't made of china at all.

98. Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died? He pasta way!

99. I've decided to marry a pencil. Can't wait to introduce the parents to my bride 2B.

100. The invisible man married the invisible woman.
        Their kids were nothing to look at either.

101. Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.

102. The weatherman who used to show pictures of beautiful sunsets has retired. No more Mr Nice Sky.

103. The scarecrow won the Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field.

104. My mate works on the giant slippery dip at the amusement park. His career is on the slide.

105. I noticed two dead canaries for sale on eBay but they are not going cheep.

106. I didn’t believe it when my mate was accused of stealing from his job as a road worker but when I visited him all the signs were there.

107. I was always taking notes at my last job, but then they checked the till.

108. I just watched a documentary on the uses of a pick axe. It was ground breaking stuff.

109. My mate’s girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"
      He immediately popped the question.

110. I had a dream last night that I was with the grim reaper cutting carrots into small chunks. I was dicing with death.

111. I tried to cover the kitchen floor using the minimum number of tiles.It was a few tile effort.

112. I cut my finger cutting cheese. I think that I may have grater problems.

113. The medical form said that I had type A blood but it was a type O.

114. I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

115. What is the difference between an African Elephant and an Indian Elephant?
        About 5000km.

116. There was a great documentary about beavers on the TV last night. It was the best dam program that I have seen.

117. Velcro is a rip off.

118. Shopkeeper: “Sorry. We don’t have helicopter flavoured chips. We only have plane.”

119. You know you are going to drown in milk if its pasteurize.

120. I’m terrified of elevators so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

121. There is a new restaurant on the Moon. The food is OK but there is no atmosphere.

122. I live near a cliff. You should drop over.

123. Junior: “Can I watch the TV please Dad?”
       Dad: “Sure. Just don’t turn it on.”

124. There is a new shop called ‘Moderation”. They have everything in there.

125. I think that calendars will soon be obsolete. The days of the calendar are numbered.

126. He has invented a new type of broom. It’s sweeping the nation.

127. He installed floodlights in his flower garden so he can watch his phlox by night.

128. The policeman caught two kids stealing a battery and a firework. He charged one and let the other off.

129. The comedian toured the country telling jokes to cows and sheep. They are the laughing stock of the nation.

130. I have these dreams of vanilla ice-cream mixed with broken potato crisps spilt all over the lounge room floor and furniture. I’m dreaming of a white crisp mess.

131. The girl spread peanut butter on the road to go with the traffic jam.

132. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

133. I live near the lake. You should drop in.

134. He was a victim of his own success. His trophy cabinet fell on him.

135. When 500 hares escaped from the rabbit farm the owner combed the area.

136. The sword swallower went on a diet and had pins and needles for months.

137. Remember that your nose is in the middle of your face because it’s the scenter.

139. If a girl falls over her brother can’t help her get up again. He can’t be a brother and assist her too.

140. The part of the car that causes most accidents is the nut behind the steering wheel.

141. Coffee is for mugs.

142. Never trust gravity. It always lets you down.

143. A man was caught stealing from a supermarket while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

144. The octopus beat the shark in a fight because it was well armed.

145. A man was in court for stealing a bag. He was sentenced in just two minutes. It was a brief case.

146. He considered himself a wit but he was only half right.

147. A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.

148. I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume. I can't turn that down.

149. The bicycle couldn’t stand up because it was two tyred.

150. The teacher wore sunglasses because her students were very bright.

151. Whiteboards are remarkable.

152. On his 80th birthday the pirate said “Aye Matey”

153. The difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle is a tyre.

154. The French cheese factory exploded and left nothing but de Brie.

155. Bears have hairy coats fur protection.

156. I have a fear of speed humps but I’m slowly getting over it.

157. The ball rolled down the hill. It didn’t say anything, it just looked round.

158. Two TV aerials married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was terrific.

159. The tall woman divorced her short husband. They just couldn’t see eye-to-eye.

160. The battery for my front doorbell went flat. I didn’t realise that it would have such a knock-on effect.

161. Junior: “Dad, its cold in this room.”
        Dad: “Then stand in the corner where it is 90 degrees.”

162. “My wife has gone to the West Indies.”
        “No. She went of her own accord.”

163. I work at a factory making paper towels. It’s absorbing work.

164. Grandma’s teeth are like stars. They come out at night.

165. My brother met his girlfriend in a revolving door and they have been going around together ever since.

166. The man had cake and custard in one ear and jelly and cream in the other. He was a trifle deaf.

167. Doctor: “I’m afraid that your wife has lost her mind.”
        Husband: “No wonder. She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for years.”

168. The man was stealing jelly so the police took him into custardy.

169. He tried to cross an elephant with a goldfish to get swimming trunks.

170. The first thing that the shoe repair man takes is the last.

171. The collections were down so the priest got a job in a fish-and-chip shop.
        Customer: “I bet you’re the fish friar.”
        Priest: “No. I’m the chip monk.”

172. Gravity sucks.

173. He got a job as a postman and got the sack before he started.

174. Don’t believe atoms. They make up everything.

175. Salesman: “This machine will cut your work in half.”
        Customer: “Good. I’ll take two of them.”

176. The plastic surgeon stood too close to the fire and melted.

177. The little boy swallowed a $2 coin yesterday. No change yet.

178. There was the thief who stole a calendar and got 12 months.

179. My football club has a new coach. It’s a 52 seater with a toilet down the back.

180. The footballer covered himself with perfume before the match and was scent off.

181. The nationality of Santa Claus: North Polish

182. Orville Wright was the first person to fly slower than the speed of sound.

183. I don’t worry about being bald. Good men always come out on top.

184. A tree surgeon has just opened a branch in our suburb.

185. My mum labelled by clothes for the school camp. On my shirt it said “shirt” on my shorts it said “shorts” ……

186. The form said “Sign here” so I wrote “Scorpio”.

187. Two germs lived next door to each other. They were cellmates.

188. The astronomer is putting on an all-star show.

189. The vet is busiest when it is raining cats and dogs.

190. The teacher suggested that the student becomes an oceanographer because all of his grades were below C level.

191. The price for pirates to get their ears pierced: a buccaneer.

192. If seagulls fly over the bay are they baygulls?

193. The advantage of easy origami is two-fold.

194. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

195. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

196. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

197. Yogurt is the only culture some people have.

198. He said: “I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.”
        I thought: “That’s a turn-up for the books.”

199. The wedding was so beautiful that even the cake was in tiers.

200. I have a job in a factory making wheels for bicycles. I’m the spokesperson.

201. He went into the detective agency carrying a pencil and a sheet of very thin paper. He said “I want you to trace someone for me.”

202. A cowboy sauntered into a German car showroom and said: “Audi!”

203. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

204. All of the magazines in the chiropractor’s waiting room were back issues.

205. There were two things he liked about his school: Saturday and Sunday

206. Is there another word for thesaurus?

207. Chickens are one of the few things you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.

208. If a goose gets scared does it get people bumps?

209. My ambition is to be filthy rich. I’m halfway there.

210. It’s easy to write a joke; just laugh and work backwards.

211. He doesn’t understand what he reads; in one eye, out the other.

212. He died after drinking a can of varnish. It was a lovely finish.

213. In this computer age the “paperless office” doesn’t worry me as much as the “paperless toilet”.

214. When I turned 50 I received half a telegram from the Queen.

215. When Fred and Wilma bought the waterbed they started drifting apart.

216. I would be glad to pay my tax with a smile. Unfortunately the tax department prefers money.

217. I wanted to spice up my life but didn’t have the thyme.

218. Dad told me to wake up to myself so I’ve put a mirror at the end of my bed.

219. If a man and his wife make money selling marijuana does the money go into a joint account?

220. I tried to write a drinking song but couldn’t get past the first few bars.

221. I’ve deleted all of the German men from my mobile phone memory. It is now Hans free.

222. Astigmatism is in the eye of the beholder.

223. He works in a muffler factory and comes home exhausted.

224. If love is blind and marriage is an institution does that make marriage an institution for the blind?

225. I finally stopped the door from squeaking. I locked it.

226. My girlfriend saved my life in the restaurant. She saw that I was gasping for air, choking and turning blue so she immediately diagnosed the problem and offered to pay the bill.

227. The discovery of oxygen is generally accredited to the Swedish scientist Carl Wilhelm Scheele in 1772. I wonder what people breathed before then.

228. I was in a sad and confused state. Queensland.

229. There are advantages to living in Switzerland. For a start, their flag is a big plus.

230. A duck walked into a pharmacy and said “I want some ChapStick please and put it on my bill.

231. If you eat enough natural, organic food then you will die a very healthy person.

232. It is said that success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. This would explain why successful people have a problem with body odour.

233. If you poured hot water down a rabbit hole would you get hot cross bunnies?

234. Life’s a mystery and I don’t have a clue.

235. Megahertz: A very large car rental company.

236. Every person you meet brings you happiness: some when they arrive, others when they leave.

237. Don’t let your mind wander: It’s too small to be let out on its own.

238. Biology grows on you.

239. Escargot is not fast food.

240. If there were no golf balls how would we measure the size of hail?

241. Spoon feeding a student only teaches them the shape of the spoon.

242. A cluttered desk indicates a cluttered mind. An empty desk ………

243. Income is a fixed amount of money that is hard to live within but harder to live without.

244. Barbers work for shear pleasure.

245. Corduroy pillows are making headlines everywhere.

246. He: “You are the Sun in my life.”
        She: “How sweet.”
        He: “Now stay 150 million kilometres away from me.”

247. Dear Algebra. Please stop asking me to find your x.

248. Can you get chicken broth in bulk at the stock market?

249. Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.

250. Can Atheists get insurance against “acts of God”?

251. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

252. If you want people to take notice of what you say, talk in your sleep.

253. I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

254. Awnings are not very high. They are just a shade above the tables.

255. Its a small world but I wouldn’t want to mow it.

256. Beware of the person who pats you on the back to your face but slaps you in the face behind your back.

257. The customer bet the butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. The butcher declined the bet because the steaks were too high.

258. Chiropractors are so manipulative.

259. Listening to a politician is a bit like playing golf. You have to allow for the wind.

260. My son’s teacher must really like him. She writes kisses all over his exams and is keeping him in her class for another year.

261. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

262. Western Sydney doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

263. Geologists are fault-finders.

264. Whoever said nothing was impossible is wrong. I’ve been doing it for years.

265. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

266. It’s difficult to find what you want on e-Bay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over twenty thousand matches.

267. I thought that if I peeled the snail’s shell off it would go faster. I tried it but it was more sluggish.

268. A backward poet writes inverse.

269. I wondered why the soccer ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

270. Here’s a bit of advice for you; advi

271. Is it true that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” or is it just a Granny’s myth?

272. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

273. Daughter: “Mum, what’s it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world?”
        Mother: “I don’t know. Ask your grandmother.”

274. The soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is a seasoned veteran.

275. I start my job tending tables at the restaurant tomorrow. I can’t wait.

276. Is iron man Fe male?

277. The worst hotel that I have ever been to was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

278. To be Frank I would have to change my name.

279. My girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved.

280. A blind man walked into a bar, and a table, and a chair……

281. I put a whiteboard and a couple of school desks in my bedroom. It makes it look classy.

282. I used to live on the seventh floor. I now live on the eighth floor but that’s another storey.

283. The student threw calcium carbonate and sodium chloride over his science teacher. There was no reaction.

284. Women who carry a little extra weight tend to live longer than men who mention it.

285. An Australian, an American, a Chinese, a Japanese and a Korean walked into a restaurant. The maître d said “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

286. I’ve decided to write all of my jokes in capitals. This one was written in Canberra.

287. Headline: “Missing ten-year old found safe.” Unfortunately she couldn’t open it.

290. Market Sign: “ Balloons 10 cents each or 15 cents if you want them blown up. The price has been adjusted to allow for inflation.”

291. The circumference of an apple divided by the diameter of the apple is equal to apple pi.

292. My internet bride arrived today. She’s the WiFi always dreamed of.

293. Young woman: “I’ve been engaged several times but have never gone through with the marriage. I’ve had a lot of near Mrs.”

294. The husband proudly showed his wife the spreadsheet that he had tattooed on his chest. “You’ve really Excelled yourself this time” she said.

295. Every time I pour a round of drinks it goes all over the place. I think I need glasses.

296. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

297. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

298. My boss told me that I could leave early if I made up the time. I said “OK. Its 72 past 44.”

299. If you cut a glow-worm’s tail off would it be de-lighted?

300. My Mum texted me: “Please call me ASAP”. I think I’ll still call her “Mum”.

301. I for one …….. but that’s Roman numerals for you.

302. The frog’s car broke down and was toad away.

303. I shot someone with a starting pistol. They say that it was a race crime.

304. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

305. I love u. Its my favourite vowel.

306. We started a band called 999 megabytes. We haven’t got a gig yet.

307. The car that I hired is very uncomfortable. It really Hertz.

308. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says: 'I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

309. Headline: “Tree falls on bank.” I wonder what branch.

310. I put a couple of “t”s in my beer. I think it makes it better.

311. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

312. I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

313. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

314. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

315. I was going to enrol in a self-defence class but I enrolled in an arithmetic class instead. There’s safety in numbers.

316. I didn’t pay my syntax and got a poorly constructed prison sentence.

317. The casino was supposed to cater for Chinese gamblers. This is strange since the Chinese don’t like Tibet.

318. Teachers should teach in mines at least a kilometre underground because deep down, teachers are alright.

319. Some pupils think that their ability to invent excuses for not doing their homework is an asset but it is a lie ability.

322. Two Wrights don’t make a wrong, they make an aeroplane.

323. Apathy is a condition that nobody cares about.

324. The zookeeper wanted to improve his golf game so he hit the monkeys’ food into their enclosure from 50 metres away with his golf clubs. He was driving the monkeys’ bananas.

325. A Pepsi executive has been fired for testing positive to Coke.

326. The human cannonball at the circus was fired. The circus had trouble getting a replacement because they couldn’t find anyone of his calibre.

327. Are twin policemen copies?

328. I was studying for my exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.

329. When my beard and hair first started to turn grey I thought I’d dye.

330. A will is a dead giveaway.

331. If I make a belt out of paper is that a waist of paper?

332. I had completely forgotten how to throw a boomerang and then it came back to me.

333. The ram fell over the cliff because he didn’t see the ewe turn.

334. I think the local dry cleaners can repair my trousers or at least sew its seams.

335. A prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark is the full stop because it is at the end of a sentence.

336. “I am” is the shortest sentence in the English language, “I do” is the longest.

337. I used to have a great fear of that fence but I finally got over it.

338. Sometimes I think I am a wigwam and other times I think I am a tepee. “Relax” said the doctor “You’re two tents.”

339. I sat up all night wondering what happened to the Sun. Then it dawned on me.

340. Shakespeare walked into a bar. The bartender said “You can’t come in here; you’re bard.”

341. When she told me I was mean she was just saying that I was average.

342. The man spent his life collecting memorabilia of Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Florence Nightingale and Joan of Arc. He was a heroine addict.

343. Grammar teachers are very punctual.

344. At one time Houdini used a lot of trapdoors in his act but he was just going through a stage.

345. Is the wife of a hippie a Mississippi?

346. I bought 8 legs of venison for $80. Is that two deer?

347. The theatrical performance about puns was really just a play on words.

348. The new panel beating business is wreck-a-mended.

349. A clown held the door open for me today. I thought “That’s a nice jester.”

350. EBay: “Broken puppet for sale. No strings attached.”

351. Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

352. She told no one about her dental implant until it came out in conversation.

353. If clocks are hungry do they go back four seconds?

354. A rule of grammar: Double negatives are a no-no.

355. I used to think maths was useless until I realised that decimals have a point.

356. The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw.

357. Drinking affects your ability to do calculus problems. Don’t drink and derive.

358. I’d like to see how these new reversible jackets turn out.

359. The woodsman loved his new computer. He really enjoyed logging on.

360. I asked the librarian if she was free this afternoon but she said she was all booked up.

361. They say that I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.

362. He looked at his car after the accident and said “That’s the way the Mercedes bends.”

363. I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint shop. I heard you can get thinner there.

364. I’m really upset with the travel insurance I took out for my camping holiday. It seems that if someone steals my tent I will no longer be covered.

365. I bet my wife that I could sing more football songs than she could. She had no chants.

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